Considerations when moving a parent into your home

Here is a letter, with details changed, that I received from someone through an Ask the Expert site I am involved with. I think the issues are relevant for many people:

Dear Peter,

We were wondering if you could suggest a few websites, books or ideas on activities in the home. About three months ago, we moved my mother into our home, she is 88 ,fairly good shape. Now that she is with us she seems to be board, which I can understand. My husband is at work, I work part time.When I am home, I try to keep her involved, my two daughters are out most days with their activities. Mum is mobile, but not enough to always include her in outings.

Here is my question. Can you recommend books, websites etc. that we may read or view that can suggest crafts, projects, ideas for us to engage her in during the day? She reads the newspaper and any magazines thoroughly and enjoys gardening and cooking, but can do this in limited time frames.

Your advice would be appreciated

Sincerely,

---

Dear ----,

Here is what strikes me immediately. Perhaps you need to take a look at the circumstances under which you brought her into your home, her understanding and yours of what that would look like. Ask yourself what you are expecting out of yourself and your family for and from her, maybe even write it down, and then ask yourself if you are being realistic. You say that now she is bored. What was she doing before? Did she have a house to look after somewhat and now feels like a guest? It sounds like there is some guilt behind what you are writing about, maybe for leaving her alone or for not being there for her as much as she would like or you would like, or maybe for taking her out of her home. Is this true, and if it is, does it come from you, or from her? Have you asked her if she is bored or what she is feeling? She may also be having a grief reaction for the loss of her own home and independence of living on her own. If she reads newspapers and magazines from cover to cover, enjoys gardening and cooking, than she is most likely in a position to participate, or take the lead, in figuring out what to do with her time and energy. If she is passively waiting for you to entertain her, then she is responsible for her boredom to some extent. Anyway, with all of these together, you can see where I am coming from.

A couple things you could do:

1. Hire a companion or even someone, a student perhaps, from a recreation or therapeutic recreation programme to come spend some time with her.
2. Depending on her ability and interests, arrange for her to be brought to a senior's centre for recreation
3. For activities or books, I would contact a local nursing home or assisted living residence and talk to the recreation directors, that is their skill area. Again, you could talk to someone at a therapeutic recreation programme.Those are the things that I would do.



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