Inner Child, Inner Mother

Probably most of us have come across the concept of our inner child, the memories and feelings of the person we were and our experiences growing up. Inner child work, means at a basic level, going back inside and helping to heal the large or small scale trauma that we experience as we grow up. We can't, of course, change what happened, but the work is done by in some ways, changing the meaning of that experience as we held, and currently heal it.

Well, make room, inner child. It's time to start dealing with your Inner Mother ( or father, brother,etc.). Esepcially for caregivers, in the work I do, we often have to let go of, or deal with our inner mother.

Today I was talking to a client whom I will call Janice. Janice told me that her mother, now 83, is still able to "push her buttons"in the same way she did when Janice was growing up. When we explored this a little bit, this meant Janice was never quite being good enough, and always having to try just a little bit harder. Today, as Janice deals with her mother who is suffering from a moderate dementia, the mother can still trigger the same feelings of inadequacy that she triggered all her life. In some ways, Janice is not responding to her mother now--she is responding to the dynamics of a relationship that occurred many years ago. She is responding to her inner mother.

How do you deal with this? Counselling can help. Find other referents, by talking to people, when you get triggered. This can include a support group, both of which can help to anchor in the reality of the present. You can do other things--write a letter to the ïnner mother." Do a role play with a friend in which one of you plays the child, the other the mother.

In general, recognize to whom and to what you are responding. It can help free you up.